Dear iOS7 ~ Bewarned: language

Dear iOS7 –

I welcomed you into my life with trepidation, and after you loaded and I blinked and thought for a moment I’d woken up in Whoville, I adjusted. 

It’s quite cheery to be so bright. I’d forgotten all the various shades of pink, lime green and turquoise there could be. So thanks.

I see you have already issued an update, so I’m sure you’d like to know a few things that might help me out before you spawn again.

-       When I send a text message on my phone (you are still a phone right?) It’s quite a surprise when you let me know five minutes later that it wasn’t delivered and ask me if I’d like to send it as a text message. (!?) WHY YES, YES I WOULD.  ISN’T THAT WHAT I FUCKING ASKED YOU TO DO?

-        Thanks for being so on top of the push notifications. I see you know all my private facebook messages word for word to display on my screen that is locked for privacy and security (funny) so I’m wondering why, after I play your little game of passcode, you then play coy and spin that clock face at me over and over again.  You may not know this, but I can see that you have access to five dots (what happened to bars?) of my network, and a full wifi signal too (bonus baby)  - so in actual fact that winking clock face spinny thing is not cute and coy – ITS FUCKING ANNOYING.

-       Oh and while we’re at it, when I typed that message, I didn’t fucking stutter so I’d appreciate it if you could just go ahead and show me the letters as I type rather than thinking about it so hard. I promise you, I know what I want to say better than you do.  Making me wait between each word won’t change my mind about what I want to say.  I’ll do the thinking, you just do as I say and look pretty.  All pink and turquois-ey and shit.

-       By the way, I just have to tell you my favorite part. I was at my kid’s football game. There was a spectacular play in progress. I had my phone at the ready. And there you were playing that secret passcode game again.  I’d just like you to know that taking the camera option off your locked screen was a seriously low blow. And now we’re both sorry.  We both missed that spectacular play as I fumbled around with hitting the right numbers and finding my camera button.  You would have loved it.

-       Oh, and it was cute to hide all my apps two screens over. FUCK YOU, I found them (actually my four year old did. So “Nah” <-- I just stuck my tongue out, did you see?)

That’s all.   For now. 

Oh wait ... on the subject of cellphones. Check out this teacher. LOL!